"Strong faith and a sense of humor are essential if you
want to stay sane -- or at least if you want to APPEAR sane."
On being a grandmother:
"Being a grandma is great! I love carrying pictures where my
money used to be. My grandson is the light of my life. He's God's
reward for not killing my son."
On getting older:
"Many famous people accomplished great things in their old
age. Take George Burns for instance. I want to be like him. He lived
to be 100 and stayed funny right up to the end. I can do that.
People say Iím pretty funny when I simultaneously sneeze and wet
"Iíve been on a diet since the seventh grade and Iíve
lost the same 30 pounds approximately sixty-seven times. If I
hadnít gained them all back, Iíd be small enough now to travel
in the glove compartment of my car and take a bath in the cup
"I really need to lose weight. I want to know how it feels
to bend over without feeling as if my intestines are being pushed
out my ears."
"After thirty years of marriage, the husband and I get along
better now than we used to. Weíre both too old and tired to throw
knick knacks, furniture, or appliances at each other anymore."
"Spouses are a lot like habits. Sometimes you need to kick